I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
