Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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