Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
