I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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