I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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