you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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