Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
