I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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