I'm going to jail i love you
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
