Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
