You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
