Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
