Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
