can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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