What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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