Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
