nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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