im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Girls should come with a carfax report
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
