i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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