Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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