I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
someone owes me an orgasm
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
