He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
