Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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