If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
