i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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