Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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