So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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