I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
