dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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