SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
