i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
