Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
