Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
