Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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