I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
