I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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