I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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