I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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