I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
