Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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