I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
sarcasm needs its own font
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
