party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
