Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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