I hope mine doesn't look like that
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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