i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
