hell yes lets make some ravioli
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
