All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
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Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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