He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
