There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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