hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
