Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
