thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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