I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
