You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
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I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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